CRUT

‘If I have seen further than others, it is by standing on the shoulders of giants.’
– Issac Newton, 1675

I will here attempt to give a brief, but I fear imperfect, sketch of the progress of the theories pertaining the Copper Rooms 1 urinals. Many may doubt the need for such an article, questioning my decision to write this in the first place and my choice to halve the demographic appeal of this week’s piece. However, I would argue that since traditional urinal thought does not wholly apply to the Copper Rooms 1 urinal setup, the need for a specialised theory becomes almost undeniable. This is because said setup is relatively unique, featuring what most modern urinal academics of the future like to call a bi-cornered, deca-trapeze urinal hyperbola formation, which complicates matters beyond the traditional ‘in a line’ system.

This rare formation can pose a significant challenge, especially to a drunken, POP! -addled mind, and is worsened by the fact that you obviously can’t use the cubicles in CR1, as that would be admitting defeat. So, I’m here to clarify the situation and show you the way.

The basics

The graph below is what we in the urinal world call a ‘slam-dunk’. The circled urinal maximises distance from other urinal users and allows you an ideal, unobstructed look at pure wall, so is the obvious choice.

Generally, the corner pieces pose an appealing prospect. These urinals are ideal since the diagonal angle offers added privacy and ensures greater protection from unwanted eye contact or uncomfortable side glances.

In the 2D model above, the back leftcorner piece appears to be the obvious choice, providing privacy through the diagonal angle and maximising distance from other urinal users.

However, things may not be quite so simple. For instance, while the circled urinal is definitely the best choice, there’s a small but very real risk that two particularly wide gentlemen will flank you on the urinals either side, leaving you trapped in a corner, as illustrated by the model below.

This threat leaves the door open for the possibility of ending up awkwardly stuck for an ultimately undetermined amount of time; either forcing you to embarrassingly barge through, fake the longest wee you’ve ever had, or give up, settle down, and try to build a life for yourself in said toilet corner, until one of them eventually finishes up. While this situation is unlikely, it is nonetheless crucial that this concern is borne in mind.

Perhaps, then, in the case of the second model, one would consider the front right urinal, as it doesn’t feature the risk of being trapped for a potentially infinite amount of time.

However, by going with the front right urinal, you open yourself up to a whole other can of worms. Chiefly, the potential of being ‘beamed’ by the stares of those coming out of the cubicles, risking the worst-case scenario for all urinal users: unwanted eye contact with a stranger. This issue is illustrated by the expanded model below.

Ultimately, I would argue that these respective risks balance each other out and points towards selecting the back left urinal as shown in model 2, since it provides angle-based privacy and distance from other urinal users. Unfortunately, the sad but all too true fact is that no urinal use comes without jeopardy.

Whether to wait

The decision whether or not to wait is principally about optics. If the free urinal is in the back left corner and hidden away, waiting is probably fine. However, if the remaining urinal is visible from the queue, waiting leaves you open to a humiliating overtake by someone with observably greater confidence. This potential for a public put-down is the risk you take by pausing, especially if the free urinal is visible.

There are advantages to waiting, though, since with seven busy urinals, one will likely open up quickly. Ultimately, the decision whether to start a queue in a crisis like this is situational, and it’s crucial to weigh up all the options. Although, I would generally recommend not waiting, as it ensures you won’t be visibly embarrassed.

Moreover, the urinals are there for a reason, and perhaps it’s best not to overthink these things. (To those who would accuse me of that very crime, pointing to this article as proof, I would like to preemptively deny such charges on all fronts).

Additional variables

If two people are talking, this will likely complicate matters. For instance, cross-urinal conversations may create an invisible social boundary that you’ll feel hesitant to cross, fearful that you’ll be third wheeling what is obviously a sufficiently close friendship that they can converse at the urinals. This may eliminate what was once a clear-cut choice, forcing you, at the very least, to think twice before using said urinal.

Sink or swim: The radical option

Sometimes the queue is too long, and the urinals are too busy. Since using cubicles is obviously farcical in all contexts, you are left with little choice but to either wait or take action, namely via the secret third option. Which I won’t write down here, for reasons of taste, both personal and editorial, but which are potentially self-explanatory if you look at the above model and understand the lows that many people will happily stoop to. In fact, this unmentionable and dangerous subculture has pervaded the world of accommodations with sinks in their rooms, as some vocal and extreme minorities purport its, as yet, unproven benefits on such forums as the Warwick Tea.

On the surface, the situation modelled above looks like one of those aforementioned ‘slam-dunks’. However, the scenario becomes far less clear when we expand the model and look at some of the added variables not present in the previous visual. These variables are illustrated in the diagram below.

As you can see in the above model, by taking a front left urinal, you are opening yourself up to potential exposure from people coming in via the door, thereby increasing the threat of eye contact and harming privacy – while this is not a reason to avoid this urinal, it is worth remembering when choosing it.

Moreover, you risk being ‘beamed’ from the sinks, the cubicles, and by people who can see backwards, once more increasing the odds of a no-win, awkward eye contact moment. As illustrated by the model below, which is starting to make the CR1 urinals look like a dystopian mix of The Boys and Edgar Wright’s World’s End – though this is not a strictly inaccurate depiction especially on a Wednesday night, it does start to make for some cluttered looking visual material.

I hope that this comprehensive breakdown of established, though previously oral, toilet tradition will be of some assistance next time you’re in the CR1 toilets. Perchance, even blackout, you’ll be able to recall some aspects of this article and put these theories into real-world practice.